custardchuk vs martinburley

[Master Roshambollah]

I've had about all I can stand of the recent mudslinging spectacle between custardchuk and martinburley.  Listening to both sides whine, complain, threaten and attempt to persuade the rest of us has really worn on my last nerve.  Plus, I've got custardchuk sniping at me, even going so far as to question my manhood.

Well, no more.  I get the opinion that the two of you will just keep feuding unless someone steps in and makes a judgement call.

Unfortunately, I can not be that person.  My involvement as Director of the MotBB tournament is a conflict of interest, especially seeing as custardchuk has questioned my own ethical stance and my involvement in the matter at hand.

No, what is needed is an impartial and unbiased individual to determine the proper course of action.  A judge, if you will, someone beyond reproach in terms of ethics and morals.  Someone with nothing to gain and nothing to lose on the outcome, yet whose incisive and Solomon-like wisdom will be respected by all.

I have found this person.

As soon as he or she is ready, he or she will make his or her presence known to the Board in this forum.  Her or his authority in this matter is final.  Any judgement made will stick.  When this supreme decision maker responds in this forum, both martin and chuk will have a chance to present his side of the story.  The Judge may assign word limits on responses, and may declare a verdict at any time.  There is no minimum or maximum time limit for the case; it comes down to the whim of Justice.  Plaintiffs may have a chance to offer rebuttal, declare evidence or bring in witnesses, at the Judge's discretion.

OK.  That's about it.  Stay tuned to this channel.  This is going to be a good one.

[martinburley]

No, what is needed is an impartial and unbiased individual to determine the proper course of action.  A judge, if you will, someone beyond reproach in terms of ethics and morals.  Someone with nothing to gain and nothing to lose on the outcome, yet whose incisive and Solomon-like wisdom will be respected by all.

Not Jef then, I take it. 


I for one welcome the chance to settle this dispute fairly. Truth will out, and all that. I'll take my seat in the dock.

[custardchuk]

No, what is needed is an impartial and unbiased individual to determine the proper course of action.  A judge, if you will, someone beyond reproach in terms of ethics and morals.  Someone with nothing to gain and nothing to lose on the outcome, yet whose incisive and Solomon-like wisdom will be respected by all.

Sounds like either Brad Fox or Judge Judy to me. I respect both of them so I'm good with that.

Her or his authority in this matter is final.

If they get it right.....

regards
custardchuk

[Master Roshambollah]

Her or his authority in this matter is final.

If they get it right.....

Trust me on this one.  If you've got a problem with my judge, then clearly you are the one with the problem.

[ScissorSista]

No one enters suit justly, no one goes to court honestly; they rely on empty pleas, they speak lies, they conceive mischief and bring forth iniquity.

Isaiah 59: 4,9-11, 14-15

...and that's just the lawyers.

[custardchuk]

Trust me on this one

Uh oh. When Roshambollah starts this "trust me" thing someone invariably gets hurt.

custardchuk

[martinburley]

Uh oh. When Roshambollah starts this "trust me" thing someone invariably gets hurt.

Worried, 'chuk?

It's not too late to settle this out of court. I'm a forgiving man.

[Arbiter]

Greetings, all.  Roshambollah has requested that I step in and assist in resolving this matter.  We are going to do this in an orderly fashion.  Each of you has two days to post a brief exposition of your position in this conflict.  You are to keep these posts to relevant facts only.  Heaping abuse upon your opponent or making emotional pleas will count against you.  Further, you are to conclude with a statement (one sentence only, please) indicating your willingness to submit to my decision.  If either party has a problem complying with these instructions, you may contact me privately or post your concerns in this forum.  Finally, as of now, all comments, japes, and sniping on this topic is to be limited to this conversational thread.  There will be no discussion in other forums or discussions.

Commence.

[Stout John Patterson]

It has been some time since the World RPS Society last needed my services.  The last time you heard from me was during the Phartgate Hearings, as well as a related case of posthumous brigandry.

I am honored to once again offer my strong arm and stern demeanor to the proceedings.  It's either that or have that poof Chad Leatherstep keeping order in the court.  Him with his bleedin' faery boots.

Arbiter, I look forward to working with you in your court.  Let me know if either party gets out of line (or if they need a good thump to make sure they don't start thinkin' about it.  )

Arbiter, I will abide by your decision to disallow firearms inside the courtroom, owing to their general tendency to escalate violence and your own nervous disposition.  But I need a little something to help me establish the rule of law.  Something I can use to keep the rabble away from me, like a pole arm or something.  A pointy stick, at the very least.  I've got a beaut of a Bohemian Earspoon I've been keeping for just this occasion.  Or maybe you'd prefer I use my guisarme (or would a glaive-guisarme be more appropriate?)  Oooh, how about a bardiche?  You'd like that, wouldn't you muggins?  Just step outta line, you Southies.  Muggins want a little tickle from my bec du corbin?

[custardchuk]

Woo Hoo,

You are so smoked, Martin.

Arbiter is honest, and intelligent, and he will see through your bleating in the blink of an eye. I suggest you plead guilty now and save us all your embarrassment. Then, again, you could try and snow Arbiter.........And Stout John has little time for pedants.......You are so gone.

A few questions

-How do we address you? Your Honour? Mister? Dude? Mate?
-What is the process for introducing witnesses?
-Can I get an extension of time? I am very busy (unlike some I know) for the next two days. RPSOZ stuff.

redgards
custardchuk

[martinburley]

Your Honour,

I plead innocent to the charge of cheating in the 2007 Masters of the Bull Board Semi-Open Tournament Final between custardchuk and myself.

The facts of the matter are simple.

1. I defeated custardchuk in the 2007 MotBB Final on February 28, in one of the most controlled and crushing online RPS performances seen for a long time. The 5-2, 5-0 victory included a run of 16 throws without a loss.
2. At the time, custardchuk congratulated me on my performance in the Final and accepted his defeat with dignity and grace.
3. On March 19, in a thread entitled 'Disturbing MOBB developments', custardchuk noted that he thought I won by cheating, finishing his stream of consciousness with "Martin bloody Burley is going to wish he was never born.......If I could just find some evidence..........".
4. Soon after that thread was posted, various pieces of 'evidence' were 'discovered', which could be taken to suggest that I won by foul means: specifically, that I received inside information from a third party, ScissorSista, regarding custardchuk's throws and/or strategy and/or tactics and that I made use of said information to win the match.
5. On the basis of said 'evidence', custardchuk has since accused me of cheating in the 2007 MotBB Final both implicitly and explicitly.
(It's worth noting that custardchuk went public with his accusations without contacting the RPSNZ office privately with his concerns first: a simple step that would not just have been a simple matter of courtesy, but would also have allowed this matter to be settled swiftly and simply, without any of the unnecessary public arguments that we have witnessed.)
6. Since going public with his accusations, custardchuk has been supported by ScissorSista, whose claims were published in the RPS Chronicle on March 22 and 23.

My defense is simple. As I did not cheat in the final, it follows that every piece of evidence custardchuk can throw at me is either made up and entirely false, or at the very least, taken out of context and therefore deliberately misleading. I will counter any evidence custardchuk produces in support of his claim.

In regards to ScissorSista's 'evidence', at the moment I limit my comments to the following:
(a) ScissorSista is an employee of RPSOZ
(b) As an employee of RPSOZ, ScissorSista reports directly to custardchuk; that is, he has power over her and commands loyalty from her
(c) ScissorSista denied all the claims custardchuk made about her colluding with me until her boss, custardchuk, summoned her to a behind-closed-doors meeting in his office, a meeting for which no minutes were published
(d) The RPS Chronicle paid ScissorSista for her 'story', and would not have paid as much for her story if she had denied the accusations

The above points make her an unreliable witness at best.

In closing my opening statement, I want to reiterate that I am willing abide by the rules of the Court, the Judge and the Bailiffs in every way, and place my fate in their hands. However, given that custardchuk has already indicated his unwillingness to abide by the time restrictions the court has imposed, I humbly request that if custardchuk is allowed extra time to present his evidence, I be allowed a similar extension to counter his evidence. This is to prevent custardchuk from deliberately waiting until the last moment to present his evidence just so that I can't disprove it in time.

One final issue I should mention: some of my supporters are keen to see custardchuk tried for defamation if/when I am found innocent in this case. Certainly, this case has caused unnecessary public controversy and private anguish, both for myself and for other RPSNZ employees. At present, though, I have no intention of pressing a charge of defamation against custardchuk, since I have no desire to put further pressure on RPSOZ funds with claims to compensatory damages, when custardchuk's time would be better spent resurrecting his RPS career and rebuilding his previously good standing amongst the RPS community. I believe the verdict of this court will ring clearly throughout the RPS-playing world, and make it plain to see that I won the 2007 MotBB Tournament fair and square.

[Arbiter]

Gentlemen, thank you for your timely replies.  I shall attempt to address all the questions on the table in no particular order.

Titles such as "Your Hono(u)r" are perhaps a bit too weighty for this scenario.  I am an impartial arbiter intervening in a personal matter with the consent of all parties, not an elected judge.  I have no title or position in the legal systems of either New Zealand or Australia.  It would be simplest if I were addressed by the title "Arbiter."  If you wish to be more familiar, you may also use my name.

As a courtesy, I will grant custardchuk a one-time extension to prepare his opening remarks, delivery of same not to be delayed past noon on Monday (Bull Board time, which I assume is GMT).

After I have read your opening remarks, I will call for witnesses.  At present, I am merely trying to establish the grounds for dispute.  In order to maintain impartiality I have not read any published material on the matter, either in RPS News or on the Bull Board.

Rebuttals will also happen later in the discourse.  Delay tactics should thus be of little consequence.

Custardchuk, I appreciate your kind words greatly.  Your trash talk less so.  While I am not, at this time, declaring a moratorium on comments of that nature, I may do so in the future should they begin to distract from the decision making process or become overly personal in nature.  As such, this is not (yet) a warning — merely a suggestion that, when you make your opening remarks, you address them to me rather than your opponent.

Bailiff Patterson, it is a pleasure to revisit your acquaintance.  I, too, have a passion for polearms although I find their presence much more striking in large numbers.  Feel free to install and stock a wall rack in the room where we will be holding these hearings.  However, if you feel it necessary to carry a polearm at attention or parade, I must insist that it be one with three blades, such as a corseque or ranseur, according to WRPSS tradition.  You may, if you wish, requisition the Trident of Office for the proceedings, but I won't delay while the request is processed.  Wojek is notorious for keeping it under lock and key lest anyone get fingerprints on it.

[Master Roshambollah]

It would be simplest if I were addressed by the title "Arbiter."

Arbiter, may you truly live up to your name.  Selah.  As it is, so be it.  Where there's smoke, there's fire.  You could have knocked me over with a fender.  You can't make a silk purse out of a pig in a poke.

As a courtesy, I will grant custardchuk a one-time extension to prepare his opening remarks, delivery of same not to be delayed past noon on Monday (Bull Board time, which I assume is GMT).

Your courtesy is noted, as we are both familiar with custardchuk and his delaying tactics (remember Bali?) 

Bailiff Patterson, it is a pleasure to revisit your acquaintance.  I, too, have a passion for polearms although I find their presence much more striking in large numbers. 

You're both out of your freakin' minds.  Polearms are field weapons, not intended for use in close quarters (e.g., a courtroom.)  Besides, it is my impression that pole arms were used by the "rabble" (to use Stout John's words) against mounted soldiers.  Am I wrong here, Arbiter?

You may, if you wish, requisition the Trident of Office for the proceedings, but I won't delay while the request is processed.  Wojek is notorious for keeping it under lock and key lest anyone get fingerprints on it.

Dude, have you even seen Wojek lately?  Has anyone?  What is going on?

Rosh

ps-Arbiter, if you are culling the Bull Board for the recent cream of the crop, may I suggest the thread entitled RPS Negro Leagues, started by M i/a ster Brilliant?

pps-it is difficult to communicate the honor bestowed upon the current Bull Board by having no less august a figure than Arbiter weigh in on this matter.  Before there were martinburley, R. Cohrs and deepthought, there was Rockefeller.  Before there was Rockefeller, there were James Hagherty and Jef Hallestone.  Before Jef and James, there was C. Urbanus.  Before Urbanus, there was Master Rosh.  Before Rosh, there was custardchuk.  And before custardchuk, there was Arbiter.  It is "not for nothin'" that Arbiter is the only figure ranked at "Bullboard Legend" status along with custardchuk and myself.

[custardchuk]

Arbiter,
Hi mate,

Your trash talk less so.  While I am not, at this time, declaring a moratorium on comments of that nature, I may do so in the future should they begin to distract from the decision making process or become overly personal in nature.  As such, this is not (yet) a warning

I was unaware I was trash talking. True, I called Martin a pedant but by his own admission he is a "a defensive, pompous, self-righteous liberal" with a love for statistics. If it looks like a duck and it sounds like a duck and it swims like a duck then I think we can call it a duck.

I think that we should be allowed to speak truthfully in this enquiry. Which brings me to my next point:

It took Martin just two words to expose his true colours, "Your Honour".
Martin is as conversant with Bullboard history as anyone I know. He must have been aware that you are, to use your own words "an impartial arbiter intervening in a personal matter with the consent of all parties, not an elected judge." yet he addressed you with the highest title his thesaurus could muster.
If a sycophant is " a self seeking flatterer" then Martin is a sycophant. (Interestingly "sycophant" comes from Greek originally meaning "slanderer", not that this means anything in this forum.)

So to call Martin a 'sycophantic pedant' is less an insult and more a statement of fact. I expect Martin will probably agree with me on this.

To other things, I appreciate the extension given. I have much on my plate and the matter at hand is unnecassarily complex. I expect that I will have my opening statement prepared by lunchtime Saturday EST.

In the meantime, Martin may wish to discuss with you 'his' accusation, thus far unmentioned in this thread, regarding experienced legends of the game, myself included.
 

The most tragic form of PPP, though, is acute PPP. With acute PPP, a sudden shock to the player's system causes immediate, full-blown PPP.... In the vast majority of cases, the shock is psychological, such as a crushing defeat to a lesser-ranked player....Unable to deny the fact of the defeat, but unwilling to face its consequences, to ....in the end he is most likely to be found on a street corner or in the corner of a bar, ...

...the gist of which is any great player who suffers a defeat at the hands of lowly ranked player in a major tournament, let's say Burley or Hallestone for example, will inevitably become delusional and lose his or her marbles.

regards
custardchuk

[custardchuk]

oh,

I am an impartial arbiter intervening in a personal matter with the consent of all parties,

It was goes without saying that I will respect Arbiters judgement on this matter.

I have to hand it to Rosh. If he was to abrogate his responsibilties on this one, he couldn't have abrogated better.

regards
custardchuk

"I don't give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it is hell." — Harry Truman