custardchuk vs martinburley

[custardchuk]

"Hi Chuk"

"Hi Doubt"

"How was your week?"

"I've had better."

"Uh huh. How did you go with the bad kids?"

"About half of them got off."

"That's allright, isn't it?"

"Might be for you, Doubt, but I was looking for a bit more than that. I let them down, mate. I just wasn't with it."

"It's that Burley thing isn't it?"

"Yeah I guess so. He's like a little yap dog nipping away at your heels. Never stops.Anyway, It's over. I let him have it."

"So you smoked him?"

"No, I let him have the title."

"Why would you do that, chuk?"

"It's all too much trouble."

"For you?"

"Not really for me. For everyone. Arbiter. Rosh. The bad kids. Everyone."

"So you said he didn't cheat."

"No. I didn't say that....He cheated alright.....No I just let him have it."

"So that's it? You know how it will look, chuk."

"Yeh, I know. Look, it's not my battle. I've got a lot of people I should be looking after. He's not the first cheat and he won't be the last...."

"He'll come out smelling like roses."

"Yeh, well so be it. It's a WRPSS matter and I've got a lot of RPSOZ stuff that needs me."

"It's an RPS matter, chuk. So you'll just let him cheat his way to your title."

"Look it's not about MY title..."

"What is it about, chuk?"

"It's Martin. He plays the man and not the ball."

"And ?"

"People get hurt."

"You're worried about getting hurt...?"

"Not me, Doubt. Other people. He'll drag anyone through the mud to get his way."

"Hey, chuk, they're all big boys around here."

"It's not the boys I'm worried about."

"aah, ScissorSista."

"He already had a go at her. She's not really used to this sort of stuff. Not at this level. And she's pretty fragile at the moment. Martin's a cruel SOB. He'll go straight for her past. And she's got one, let me tell you. He'll murder her.."

"Have you discussed this with Sista?"

"Nuh, Look when you run an organisation you have to make the hard decisions yourself. This is my battle."

"It's a battle for truth and for the game, chuk. This not your private battle. It's a bit bigger than that."

"People are going to get hurt"

"Maybe people are happy to fight for a good cause. A lot of people have an interest, chuk. I suggest you talk to Sista about this."

"She's just an innocent girl, Doubt."

"Everyone has to grow up some time. I think she should be allowed to make her own decision"

"But Burley will do anything..."

"Ask her."

'You don't know the depths..."

"Ask her"

"He is such a ......"

"Chuk!"

"Alright. alright, I get your point. But if she even looks like she's out then it's over."

"That's fine, chuk."

"Over. Kaput. End of story"

[martinburley]

I have no case.

Losing to Martin hurt and I looked for excuses.

Sure it was a thousand to one game. Sure he talked to my staff daily. Sure he messed with an innocent girl. Sure he is a sychophantic pedantic.

But I'm pretty sure I lost. I just look at the scoreboard.

Rps is more than just three throws. It is life itself echoed in those throws. Martin has proven he is smart enough, bad enough, good enough, sneaky enough and tough enough to take my crown.

His statement is ambiguous. No simple, straightforward "Martin did not cheat."

Mr. Burley, there is no call to speculate on custardchuk's motives... His comment "I'm pretty sure I lost" is, in my opinion, sufficient retraction of his cheating accusation against you. Please do not harangue custardchuk...

My initial suspicion of custardchuk's statement is understandable, though I apologise for it.

"So you said he didn't cheat."

"No. I didn't say that....He cheated alright.....No I just let him have it."

Arbiter, I retract my apology. I was right all along. Custardchuk, either bring it on, or let it go.

[Arbiter]

Custardchuk, I must agree with Mr. Burley this time.  If you wish to retract your accusation, then let the matter rest.  If you are convinced he cheated, then let us decide the matter in this forum as you agreed.  But dropping your formal accusations only to continue smearing Mr. Burley's reputation (publicly, I might add) with the same criticism is petty and destructive.  Bring it or drop it.

[ScissorSista]

That scoundrel, cad, playboy broke my heart. I've been crying for weeks. I tried to email Dr Phil for some help but he hasn't responded...

I'm devastated by the whole affair.

If only there was a way to get my dignity back....

[custardchuk]

All right that's it, Burley.

I'm calling you.

Martin Burley cheated his way to the MOtBB crown.

Here's what happened:

* Burley and I started the tournament blow for blow as may be expected. He then went on to take out the championship with sixteen consecutive throws without a loss. It was like he was reading my mind and I said as much at the time. It is the worst defeat that not only have I suffered, it is the worst defeat I personally have been witness to.

*I was not initially suspicicious of Burley, however the numbers just didn't add up. In Burley's own words the chances of such a loss happening in a random environment were 1000-1. But it it wasn't a random environment. It was high level RPS and me, undefeated in MOtBB since 2004, versus a relative nobody.
I calculated the chances of the (nominal) 1000-1 event occurring in a Group One Final based on a conservative estimate of 30 games played for every Final and realised I had been involved in a 30000-1 event. (If we accept Martin's theory (and I do) that a good player should be able to win around 60% of the time the figures blow out to around 50000-1.) I was both extremely disappointed and intrigued by it all, but I had not contemplated that Martin had cheated.

*Just prior to the tournament, ScissorSista, approached RPSOZ and offered her services. She seemed interested in RPS and said she was prepared to do anything. Upon my recommendation she was employed, initially, as a trophy polisher. She proved quite capable, if not eager, and by the time of the MOtBB tournament she was our office manager responsible for a variety of tasks and with unlimited access to the RPSOZ 486. She was also privy to discussions regarding my tactics for the MOtBB

*At some stage prior to the MOtBB I became aware that Martin was not, as I expected, a New Zealander, but in fact a Pommy expat. ScissorSista was also a Pommy expat who had 'chosen' to live in Australia. Again, I thought nothing of it at the time.

*Early in the tournament I became aware that Burley and ScissorSista had struck an internet friendship and were conversing regularly. I assumed it was RPSANZAC business and paid little attention the detail. I was, at the time, commencing the defence of my title and meditating for much of my day. I thought nothing of this dialogue.

*On the day prior to the tournament I hit on ScissorSista, as you do, for luck, and she knocked me back. I became suspicious immediately, but I used my meditative skills to clear my mind of those suspicions.

*After the tournament, in my post meditative, post tounament, post losing state I began to reflect on the results and the previous month. I concluded:
- I had lost in a 50000-1 event.
- I had lost to Burley
- ScissorsSista had knocked me back.

No matter how I added it up, the odds of all three events happening simultaneously were through the roof. I remained, still, unsuspicious of Burley.

*When I was young I was taught by Master Trevor Barnard that I "should ignore what I see and take notice of what I don't." I had consigned those words to the dustbin of my mind 30 seconds after I heard them, ( I had a grudge match for a cream bun immediately after lessons ) however they came back to me two weeks ago. And as I looked through these new eyes I saw that it was far more likely that I had been cheated out of my title than lost it. but I had no evidence, only suspicion.

*To my surprise, Al Thorn subsequently published the evidence. He published transcripts of conversations between ScissorSista and Martin that confirmed Martin was a serial sport wrecker, that Martin had colluded with ScissorSista, and that there had been a dialogue regarding the Finals including, but not limited to, exchange of a powerful player analysis tool, intimate exchanges and admissions of surrepticious behaviour. 

*After that all hell broke loose. Martin made accusations and then retracted them as facts came to light. ScissorSista fessed up to to her part in the conspiracy and Martin began his attacks on her. Not satisfied, nor contrite, he began personal attacks on me and then on RPS legends in general.


That's why you are here, Arbiter. It's ugly and no one seems to have the gumption to deal with it. Rosh is courting Burley for whatever reason, Brad's decided to contemplate the problem over a Tequilla Sunrise and the Society appear to have better things to do. The sport is under attack.

This is my opening statement.

regards
custardchuk

[martinburley]

That's a fantastic opening statement, custardchuk. I mean that quite literally...

As a friendly reminder, 'chuk, you might want to meet the terms of Arbiter's instructions:

Each of you has two days to post a brief exposition of your position in this conflict.  You are to keep these posts to relevant facts only.  Heaping abuse upon your opponent or making emotional pleas will count against you. Further, you are to conclude with a statement (one sentence only, please) indicating your willingness to submit to my decision.

before Stout John takes an interest in your lack of compliance...


Arbiter, I'm glad 'chuk's decided to stand by his claim, even if his prevarication bought him a couple more days to sober up prepare his statement. It'll allow me to prove my innocence all the more clearly. I've already given my opening statement. Assuming custardchuk agrees to submit to your decision, what's the next step in the proceedings?

[Arbiter]

Very well.  We shall proceed as planned, then.  I will overlook the time delay caused by Custardchuk's vascillation.

As I surmise it, the principle accusation comes from Custardchuk, who asserts that Mr. Burley:
1) Mr. Burley either subverted an RPSOZ employee or sent ScissorSista to RPSOZ explicitly to spy on Custardchuk and discern his strategies for the MOtBB tournament.
2) Subsequently used illegally-obtained information to defeat Custardchuk in said tournament.

Mr. Burley categorically denies all such claims.

At no point has either player made complaint about the venue, refereeing or management of the tournament.  There is not, for instance, debate over whether Custardchuk threw rock and Mr. Burley countered with Paper.  Rather, the dispute regards preparations that might or might not have been made by Mr. Burley using means that are prohibited either by RPS tournament regulations or local or international law.

At this point I would like to see physical evidence, if any, and hear from material witnesses.  Witnesses may come forward on their own volition or the disputees may call on witnesses in this forum.  I would specifically like to hear from Al Thorn and ScissorSista.  Please keep comments concise and germane to the topic at hand.

If either party would like to call character witnesses, I will allow, for now, no more than three on a side.  Comments from character witnesses are to be brief explanations of why one party or the other's behaviour is either consistent or inconsistent with the information and allegations presented.  I would ask character witnesses not to come forward without an invitation from one of the two parties involved.

Mr. Burley's complaint that Custardchuk did not agree to abide by my decision in his opening statement is irrelevant, inasmuch as Custardchuk already stated as much in an earlier post:  "It was goes without saying that I will respect Arbiters judgement on this matter."

You may begin presenting evidence at any time.  I will call a halt to this phase of the proceedings when I have heard and seen enough.  Please refrain from any direct rebuttals at this time.

[Al Thorn]

I would specifically like to hear from Al Thorn and ScissorSista.

Arbiter I cant tell you how happy I am to see you slumming it on the Bull Board again.  Needless to say things haven't gotten any better since you left.  Things just keep getting worse.

I was the first to break this story in a post to my Al's Scoop Shack forum.  The material is supposed to be a transcript of electronic communications between Martin and Sista.

When I first made the announcement I thought I was doing so for the sake of Truth.  How wrong I was.  I was used, plain and simple.  I now regret my involvement in the whole thing.

Under oath, left hand on the Trio of Hands, I hereby testify that the transcript I published was given to me by none other than "master" Roshambollah.

[custardchuk]

Mr. Burley's complaint that Custardchuk did not agree to abide by my decision in his opening statement is irrelevant, inasmuch as Custardchuk already stated as much in an earlier post:  "It was goes without saying that I will respect Arbiters judgement on this matter."

Going well so far, Burley, you pedant.

I submit as evidence Al's transcripts of conversations between himself and ScissorSista. Material in said transcripts is self evident.

I also submit articles from the RPS Chronicle in which the relationship between Burley and ScissorSista is exposed in more detail.

I intend to call ScissorSista as a material witness and Master Roshambollah as a character witness.

I will start with Roshambollah first and I ask him to attest to the fact that I never lie.

regards
custardchuk

[Master Roshambollah]

I have never known custardchuk to lie.  He has proven this consistently over many years of RPS play.  "I reckon I'm not going to open with paper, whaddaythink?" he is sometimes heard to say, or "I like rock to start."  He has not lied once.  As a matter of fact, he gets offended when you don't believe him:  "I told you I was going to throw rock.  Why did you throw scissors?  Did you think I was lying to you?  Rosh, I'll never lie to you."  And so on.

In the interest of full disclosure, I must introduce into evidence a conversation I had with custardchuk during his last sojourn in North America.  We were discussing his "I'll never lie to you" stance, when in a drunken moment of letting-down-one's-guard, he admitted that perhaps he was merely setting me up for the one day when the stakes were high enough and he would lie.

I do not believe that the current situations warrants high enough stakes.  If it were chuk and I before a television audience playing for 100 grand, I'd like to think he'd be tempted.  Of course, he'd probably be counting on that, so he might actually continue to tell the truth and snake an easy win. 

To summarize; custardchuk has many vices, faults, personality disorders, restraining orders, odd moods, bizarre approaches to personal hygiene, and curious quirks of behavior.  However, I can recall no instance where he has been caught lying to me or anyone else. 

[martinburley]

While Master Roshambollah is here, I would be grateful if he could answer the following four questions I have for him as a material witness:

1. ScissorSista was already an RPSOZ employee at the start of the tournament, In your opinion as tournament organiser, was it appropriate for custardchuk to give you ScissorSista's offer to referee the tournament without openly advising you of this relationship?

2. Al Thorn has testified that you provided him with the transcript he published. Do you admit this?

3. If you provided Al with the transcript, who was the source that provided you with the transcript?

4. Did you encourage Al to publish the transcript? If so, why?

[martinburley]

I'd also like to call C. Urbanus and Dr. Helliose Zastro as character witnesses. Specifically, I would like them to comment on whether they feel their matches against me earlier in the tournament were fair and above board.

(As you are no doubt aware, Arbiter, Dr. Zastro's remote location and important fieldwork might make it difficult for him to respond promptly to this request, so silence on his part should not be taken as a lack of willingness to testify.)

[Master Roshambollah]

Hi, Martin. 

In your opinion as tournament organiser, was it appropriate for custardchuk to give you ScissorSista's offer to referee the tournament without openly advising you of this relationship?

It should be remembered that at the time of the offer, I was under the impression that ScissorSista was actually custardchuk posting under an assumed name (an abhorent practice, but I'm told it happens.)  Also, custardchuk initially asked me if Sista could "host" the tournament.  I must admit, I had no clue what he was talking about; at most I thought he meant "Sista" would be having the tournament over at her place.  I didn't glean from his message that she wanted to ref the match.  Besides, I already decided that I would have nothing to do with Sista, due to the aforementioned mistaken identity.  I promptly filed the incident away and forgot about it until now.

Al Thorn has testified that you provided him with the transcript he published. Do you admit this?

Damn, now I feel like a complete ass.  Yeah, it was me who gave Al the transcript.  It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.  In retrospect it was a horrible idea.  As a supposedly impartial tournament organizer, I should have known better.

If you provided Al with the transcript, who was the source that provided you with the transcript?

A good friend once told me he would never lie to me.  In that spirit, I must admit that it was custardchuk who provided me with the transcript (sorry mate.) 

Did you encourage Al to publish the transcript? If so, why?

Al and I have never enjoyed the sunniest of relations.  Still, we are on rare occasion forced to work together (remember the Circle of Five?)  I have on occasion provided Al with data needed by the Information Task Force (involving, but not limited to, the Outreach Ministry, the DC Metro Office, the LA Extension Office, the Retired Veterans Committee, the Bull Board, the World RPS Society, plus another organization or two I could name...)  About a year and a half ago I got a grudging "I owe you one" from Al.  "But not a big one," he appended.  The time seemed right to call in the favor.  It didn't take a lot of doing.  I think Al sincerely believed he was doing the right thing, as I did.

I encouraged Al to publish the transcript at the insistence of custardchuk.  When chuk first sent me the transcript, he sounded enraged.  He demanded that I do something about what he saw as an outrageous affront against the dignity of the MotBB tournament.  At the very least, he asked that I see to it that the transcript was published.  Towards this end, he suggested that I convince Chad Leatherstep or Al Thorn to put the info out there.  I have no influence with Chad whatsoever (the guy won't even answer my email) so Al seemed an easy choice.

Am I done here?

[martinburley]

Thanks, Master Rosh, you've been a great help. One final question: did custardchuk say how he had obtained the transcript?

[custardchuk]

Where are you going with this, Burley?

I don't think it really matters if the Easter Bunny supplied the transcripts. It is what is contained in them that is relevant. This is a blatant attempt to muddy the waters.

A good friend once told me he would never lie to me.  In that spirit, I must admit that it was custardchuk who provided me with the transcript (sorry mate.) 

Yeah, Rosh. An intringingly timely turnaround for you. So I take it you have, from today, decided to tell the truth for the rest of your life. I give you a week.

custardchuk